in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
