I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
