You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
