you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
