We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
