Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize