Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
