mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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