Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
