Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
