The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
