Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
