how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Michael Bay diarrhea
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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