happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
