I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
