Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
