if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
