mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
