I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
