he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
