you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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