the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
