Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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