Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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