Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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