ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize