Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
