i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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