When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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