Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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