The maid of honor just puked.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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