you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
