I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I need a beard to bite.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
