Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
