I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
