i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So much Jack, so little girl.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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