Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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