There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
