You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
