the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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