Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
