overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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