Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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