Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
