Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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