so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize