I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
