So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
