This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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