My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
