If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
