Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
