how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
