I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize