Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
its liver damage thursday
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
