Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
