do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
