i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
