i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
