Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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