The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
