remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
