I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
